I started writing this blog yesterday (Saturday)... but I just finished it.
In my own personal journaling, I've been complaining for the last hour. To whom? God, I suspect. Or maybe just to the yellow pages of my notebook. I don't know. But I had been bottling thoughts in my head and avoiding their release - but eventually, I knew the time would come to empty my head and fill my notebook.
So, in my ramblings, I worked my way through a variety of topics and landed on the topic of relationships. I have a lot of thoughts about the topic in general, and I'm fighting a battle in my mind about my own position with relationships. Most of what I wrote consisted of open-ended questions... thoughts to prompt consideration of my deepest desires and fears, wants and hesitations.
To be completely honest, I was feeling extremely frustrated. With myself, with God, with my life, with the guys in my life... I felt like my life was being interrupted by various situations, both good and bad. Overwhelmed is an understatement to how I felt.
As I often do, I started flipping back to review previous entries, rereading my thoughts, getting a laugh out of some of them and pangs of familiar pain out of others. Then I came upon something I wrote during class back in May, the 15th to be exact. On that day, I decided to write something creative because it had been a while since I had last tried. This is what I came up with, and what I came across yesterday:
-- The way my name rolls off his tongue stirs something inside me that has been hibernating for a long time. I don't know if I'm ready for it to be woken from its slumber, but this is my reality.
He says it with such sensitivity and understanding - something I've been yearning for, waiting for. "Jess..." he says again. Somehow, in this simple utterance, I can sense how much he cares for me.
Who is this man that he can challenge me and push me? I hardly know him. Maybe I hardly know myself. --
I don't know how to explain the way I felt after reading this. I didn't have anyone in mind when I wrote that six months ago. I remember envisioning a mysterious man, his identity yet to be revealed in my life. More of a shadow or silhouette, I suppose. Somehow, rediscovering these few lines brought a sense of reassurance and comfort... again, from whom? God, I presume.
God is definitely a-stirring something up in my life. Things are changing... I'm changing. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I'm excited for who I'm becoming, and for the ways in which God is revealing himself to me.
This episode has also inspired me to start writing again, more often. For the first time, I let Ian (my BFF!) read what I had written. He's never before read anything of mine, probably because of my own insecurities and doubts about my own talent. See, he's a writer, and he intimidates me because he's good. But he offered only praise and encouragement when he read this. So I was inspired.
Confidence in myself and in my own talent and intelligence is something new for me... but not to worry, at least it exists now. :P
Praise Jesus for written communication, friends who offer unconditional love and neverending encouragement, and above all, the beauty of the grace He's extended to me.