So unexpected. So refreshing.
That's what I need, ya know? I know I don't make it easy to get close to me, and I know I fight. But fight back. Break through the wall. I don't expect you to, so prove me wrong.
I keep saying I'm so single. Emphasis on 'so.' Hah, and it's so true. I like being single, and I like spending my time doing things that I enjoy. But it'd be nice to do those things with someone, no?
The other day I hung out with someone for a few hours. It was just really nice to be able to hang out, be myself, no pressure. Nothing was forced. No BS. Just... easy.
And isn't that the way it's supposed to be? I crave the easy moments. When I can be myself without fear of judgment, when conversation is steady, when it's comfortable yet challenging... those are the things I love. Those are the things I miss about being in a relationship.
Last night, Melissa slept over. At 22, we're still having sleepovers. (Technically, I'm 21 and 361 days, but we'll let it slide.) We stayed up late talking about relationships. We talked about settling, and about being with someone unexpected.
I had a dream the other night about the word 'unpredictability.' Sometimes I have dreams about words. They're like themed dreams. One time, I dreamt I saw Dave with a girlfriend at the movies or something. And throughout the dream, the phrase 'peace of God' was continually running through my head. I believe dreams can be meaningful. So, the other night, the theme was 'unpredictability.' I don't remember anything else about the dream. But I know that I'm horrible with unpredictability. We don't really get along when it comes to my dating life.
Deep down, I want unpredictable. I want unplanned, go-with-the-flow, out-of-nowhere. But fear drives me to want a plan. If I can't foresee undoubtable success, I flake.
What's ironic about this is that I rarely make plans from day-to-day. I like to focus on today. I like to enjoy today. I like to go with the flow for today. Today, unpredictability and I get along.
So here's my new challenge: being open to unpredictability for my future.
It's 75 degress and sunny. I'm driving down I-90 with the windows down. And I'm waving goodbye as predictability bounces on the road behind me.
I want the unexpected. It scares the crap out of me, but I can handle it. I'm a big girl, remember?