In the last week, I finished reading Choke by Chuck Palahnuik, started and finished The Devil and Miss Prym by Paulo Coelho, and started Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Many thoughts are circulating in this brain of mine, in this heart of mine, and hopefully some of what I am about to share will spark something in yours.
I know I could easily get what I want - what my body or flesh wants. I could easily betray myself and God and my faith and my future husband. I'm resolving to choose against that. I'm choosing to not use my body to fill a space in my heart that can only be filled, first and foremost, by God, and secondly, eventually, by my future love.
I'm learning not to rely on my emotions for answers. My emotions may tell me - YES! YES! Let him sweep you off your feet, just so you can have one night to believe the world revolves around the two of you, to hope it's not a dream, to forget about the terror and fear and turmoil all about you.
But then, echoing out from the shadows, from the depths of the deepest caves, comes a solitary voice, the Spirit's voice, in conjunction with the conscience, shouting, NO! NO! Do not give yourself away, do not believe the lies, do not be swept away by falsehood and empty words, but instead guard that which you seek to fill, wait till the perfect moment for which you yearn, be filled with the love of Christ that compells you. Resist, repel, release the negative emotions and lies that will cause you harm, not good. Remember that your heart truly is the wellspring of life, and reflect on the times you gave in, remind yourself of the pain and deepened sadness and emptiness that has ensued as a result of giving in to immediate gratification!
There is a tension, a conflict of good and evil, waging war in my mind, and in my heart, and though I am a sinner at my worst, I am redeemed by Christ's love at my best, and though I struggle to do what is right and what is good, I draw strength from the Lord who defeated death, and I choose to do what is good, because it is best for all, and it is pleasing to the One whom I serve.
*Note: This blog is not about sex.