I've been not blogging/writing at all lately, probably because I'm being avoidant.
I used to accuse other people of being avoidant. I realize now that I'm just as guilty at times.
Reasons to avoid thinking/facing/writing/dealing:
1. It sucks
2. It hurts
3. It makes you feel like crap
4. It makes you feel guilty for being so focused on yourself
5. It makes you feel emo
6. It makes you feel ashamed for seeming emo
7. It makes you isolate yourself because you feel so lame
8. It makes you depressed because you're isolated
9. It makes your friends wonder what is wrong with you
10. It makes your friends maybe get mad at you because you won't tell them what's wrong
Those are reasons why I ate all those cookies.
But today I had a good day with God. I went to Veterans Acres in Crystal Lake and tried to roast my skin in the beautiful weather. =) Actually I just think a nice base sunburn makes a person look healthier and more attractive.
So I went to VA and had every intention of journaling about something that would allow me to avoid talking to God about the things I actually need to talk to him about. I'm really good at pretending that God doesn't know what's really going on in my heart and in my mind. I'm not so good at convincing him, as I am with the people around me.
I sat down on a bench and reached for my journal and a pen. Searched some more for a pen. Dug around for a pen. Unloaded my purse for a pen. I came up empty-handed: no pen.
All the while, God and I are having this conversation about what I'm going to do if I can't find a pen. I'm telling God, ya know I'm gonna have to walk back up to the car to get a pen, I really need to journal, I need to talk about things, I need to tell you about how stupid guys are, etc. And God's like, well maybe you should just stop worrying about telling me things I already know and put your nose in my Word and listen to what I have to say to you today, and I'm like, well I don't know, and God's like, if you journal first, you won't leave time to deal with what really is at the heart of the issue, if you journal first, you'll word-vomit all over me and think that is sufficient quality time with me and leave me to clean up your vom. So I'm like ok, no pen, you're right, I'll read the Bible instead.
And here I sit, once again avoiding.