Frustration is the only word to describe how I've been feeling lately. Mostly frustration at myself for 1-not being content with where God has me, and 2-not making time for myself like I used to. I've been neglecting most things I'm interested in, most things I'm passionate about. And then I get frustrated because 3-I'm entirely too hard on myself, and I say that because I really am doing a lot of things that are good and important and rewarding and definitely filled with passion.
Life is good- it's challenging, but definitely good. I seem to struggle with accepting that God wants me to be filled with joy. He wants me to enjoy the blessings he gives me, and they are not few.
The greatest blessing is, of course, the grace and salvation I have in him. It's fitting for me to say this today of all days, being Easter and all. He is risen indeed, just as he said. This changes everything. This is all that matters, and in it all things fall into place. His resurrection puts my life into perspective, it helps me align my priorities and plans with his. This is, after all, what matters most.
Maybe it's that I forget to stop and realign myself. It's important to take a step back from time to time. And that's what this semester has been all about for me. I took the semester off to re-evaluate... it has not gone the way I planned, but what ever goes according to plan in life?
Anyway... today was so celebratory, but being so close to the Redeemer and the Healer made it literally impossible for me to ignore what was going on in my heart... and so it ended up being kind of a hard day. But thankfully I have someone who proves to me that it is good to be open, good to trust another with my emotions and thoughts. He reminded me that I need to do something to work out my emotions and let them out... and that reminded me that I haven't been writing lately. Not in a journal, not in a blog, not in a word document. I also haven't been taking much interest in music lately, which is also kind of odd for me. I just haven't been making time for these things.
In the last couple of months, I've started letting people in when it comes to my writing, and on two separate and unrelated occasions, my passion for writing was noticed. I didn't even know I was so passionate about writing, because I've been sticking a cork in that bottle for a really long time. I do pride myself in my writing, but I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with my writing in a way that will challenge me and cause me to grow. I can write a blog, no problem... this doesn't take effort that challenges me. I need to start challenging myself and allowing myself to be challenged by others. Because I AM passionate about writing, and I need to start acting like it.
There are so many other things to say, but maybe next time. I hope to start blogging more regularly again. I miss those days...