Things that keep me up at night.

I've always hated going to bed at night. I remember fighting sleep as long as I could when I was little... and I remember late nights falling asleep on my floor with the light on as I sifted through old journals or pictures, refusing to climb into bed, into darkness, into restful sleep. Undoubtedly this comes from the fear of missing out-- as if something monumental would happen in the thick of the night.

Or I was too excited, too anxious to sleep, while in my mind, visions of future festivities swirled around... refusing to settle, even when I tried (and failed) to count sheep jumping over fences. I never understood that, anyway. It doesn't work.

As of late, it isn't the cheery things and memories and hopes that keep me up. I'm an adult, or something, now. It's my best guess, anyway, at an explanation for the stresses and worries that run through my mind in the silence that surrounds me when I power down and rest my head. There are times I'm tempted to turn on the TV and allow anonymous chatter to fill the background and the void, all the while lulling me off to a restless sleep with confusing dreams.

My point is this: as I grow, as year adds upon year in my young life, different things have begun to keep me up at night. Rather than fanciful dreams of what could be, what was, or what will never be (but wished it would)... I'm up at 3am thinking about how frustrated I am, and how sad I am over brokenness, over sin... yet I'm praising God for how good he is. How he is working in so many relationships in my life. How he is changing and growing and sharpening me. He stripped away big distractions... The Lord gives, and he takes away, and I am so content with his sovereignty. It seems impossible that I would be thankful for major changes that were not my choosing... oh but I am, by grace I can't even describe.

I'm just satisfied. I'm smiling. I'm pushing through, pressing on, persevering. Clinging to the hope I have in Jesus... knowing it is enough and yet one day there will be so much more.

Like Christmas Eve, I wait for the next coming of Christ-- in the fullness of knowledge that His coming will be much, much better than any childhood Christmas, which always included anxiety-induced vomiting on my part. I don't believe I will vomit on Jesus when he returns, but whose to say what his presence will cause in us?

Ha! I am loving life despite the giant questions and the leering pressures to figure it out.

Good night. :)


  1. Jess,

    As I read through this post, I realized how much I miss being around you. I miss talking to you and growing deeper in a wonderful friendship with you! You inspire me. Your faith inspires me. I love you Jessica Mae Farrar - please continue to grow into who God wants you to be, but don't change! You are my very dear friend and I love learning from you! You are just an incredible woman of God and I thank you for being who you are! Love you and miss you way to much!

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