Call, Break It Off.

Well, I saw Tegan and Sara the other night. It was an awesome show... they rocked. Granted, I was (slightly) intoxicated, but I remember it all and sang my heart out. And danced my ass off. They played two sets, the first from their new album, "The Con," then all their older songs in the second. Both were played exceptionally well, but I think they rocked harder on the second set. Just an observance.

And they are f-ing hilarious. Sara talks a lot. And Tegan gets annoyed and rolls her eyes and we all laugh at both of them.

Afterwards we (Melissa, Megan, Jared, and myself) went to a hookah bar down the street, where we met some really cool people. The guys sitting next to us go/went to Judson, and one of them graduated with Megan. We talked and bs-ed with them for a while, exchanged numbers and added each other on Facebook. Haha. So lame, but whatever. We all do it.

We left there around 11:50 or something to catch the 12:30 train back to Pingree Road. We power-walked from the hookah bar to the Brown Line at Belmont... waited a while... got off at Washington at 12:23 and hightailed it to Ogilvie. We had to run the entire way, up the escalators, and onto the train. We barely made it and had to pay the extra two dollars for our tickets.

Once we got back to McHenry my night turned to shit but I won't go into details about that. Let's just say it was a conversation that ended a situation that was basically pointless to begin with, and also forced me to reevaluate some other areas of my life.

Things have changed a lot in the last several months, especially since the last personal post. Someone asked me recently to describe my life in four words. I chose these: beautiful, challenging, changing, and trying. How true.

God has stretched me a lot this summer in my relationships with him and other people. I've been taking a lot of past due, much-needed time for myself. Some consider this selfish, bogus, bullshit, whatever word you want to put in there. But I just think it's not what they want to hear.

I've been closing a lot of doors this summer that have needed to be closed for some time. In many of those situations, God long ago began to draw them shut, but at the last second I jumped in to block it and wedged something in between the door and the frame to ensure a way in just in case I wasn't ready to hear the door slam completely shut just yet. How silly is that? God has been stirring up good things, amazing things, for me for tomorrow, but I've missed out on many things because I'm too busy running around like a mad woman trying to stop doors from closing all over the place. My attention and energy have been directed in the absolute wrong place.

I'll spare you the details, but just know I've been obedient. You may not like the decisions I've made, but they aren't yours to make, to judge, to correct. I understand you might be hurt, angry, confused, irate. But that is yours to deal with, and I hope that you will address it and spend your energy on yourself and on your life rather than on worries or hopes about mine.

You might find it hard to understand why I want to be single, but again, it isn't yours to understand. I can't wait to once again find myself in complete abandon of myself for another, but that time is not now.

Love is what I'm building my life on - love for God, for people, for self. And one day, down the road, that pursuit of love will bring me to another person who will have the same vision for spreading love. I ask for patience, for direction, for wisdom, for compassion, and for everlasting, always abounding love.

One day, I will abandon self.
One day, I will fully understand what it means to love someone more than myself.
One day, I will completely abandon who I am for who You are.

I pledge myself to a lifelong pursuit of that one day.

That I may walk through the door to love for God and love for others, I close many behind me. That I may experience my present and my future fully and wonderfully, I let go of my past.

I won't regret saying this, this thing that I'm saying.
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.
Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart.
Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at.
Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at.
But now, we'll never know.
I won't be sad, but in case I'll go there everyday.
To make myself feel bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.
I won't be out long, but I still think it better if you take your time coming over here.
I think that's for the best.
Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart.
Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at.
Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at.
But now, we'll never know.
I won't be sad, but in case I'll go there everyday.
To make myself feel bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.
I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.