Times they are a-changing.
So it's been a while since I've blogged. As you might have guessed by the last blog, I went through a rough season. December wasn't so good to me. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with December. In 2007, we were off. 2006, on. 2005, off. 2004, on. 2003, on. So I'm hoping next year we can patch things up again.
This December I discovered how unhappy I was. I wouldn't call it depression... although there were moments in which I thought it could be. But they were only moments, and I got through them. And in retrospect, it was only a mere month that I was so dreadfully unhappy, with only myself to blame, of course. Sure, there were a few people (guys and girls alike) who weren't my favorites over the last several weeks, and I (sometimes) healthily dealt with my anger or pain accordingly. But, as most people have or will come to realize in their lifetimes, creating patterns that only lead to pain and despair is not a good idea. And when you've begun to recognize these less than favorable patterns, you have to wonder why it keeps happening to you... why the same types of guys keep screwing you over... how you get yourself into ugly messes that involve an ex-girlfriend of an ex-boyfriend that you would never date again... haha. So I had to question what was going on beneath the surface. What was drawing me to each of these people or situations? Why am I perpetually drawn to assholes and scumbags who will not only treat me poorly, but whom I really have no interest in until they become disinterested in me? I suppose in this sense I'm a typical female, but fear not: I'm going to overcome this!
"As a dog returns to its vomit,
so fools repeat their folly."
Disgusting. When I view all of those boys (honestly, could I call any of them men? I think not) through the wisdom of this verse, and quite clearly through the perspective of God, I'm utterly repulsed by their behavior, and in some cases, mine. The last couple of times I drank, I started becoming the bitchy drunk, and of course, for no apparent reason. However, I've come to realize that my reason stemmed from the growing, gut-wrenching repulsion that was beginning to form in me.
I've never enjoyed feeling foolish or acting foolishly. I mean, let's be honest - who does? It's not easy to admit when you've done wrong, but sometimes it's even harder to admit when you've been a complete idiot.
But I have to admit it. I've been a fool. A fool to revert to the past over and over again in my life, a fool to believe that there's such a thing as a fourth, fifth, six chance, a fool to waste my time on things or people that aren't my responsibility, and a fool to assume that I'd be happy or satisfied after all of the aforementioned foolish follies.
And satisfaction is really what this is about... or maybe dissatisfaction. Either way, I wasn't satisfied. I temporarily gave up my previously satisfying life of following hard after my God, and in the process stopped loving myself and people as a whole. Selfishness abounded as my desire to help other people diminished.
Well, one of those repulsive, foolish follies finally got my attention. You wanna hear a good story about God using my sin for good... ask me about it. Well, I don't know if I'll tell you. But it won't hurt to ask, I suppose.
Anyway, I've snapped out of my funk. Granted, it takes only a moment to destroy what took months for me to build. But my feet are moving, and this time in the right direction. I'm making positive choices and setting new, realistic goals. I wouldn't consider any of these things "New Year's Resolutions," per say; most of these decisions needed to be made, regardless of the time of year. I just happened to muster up the gonads to do it around the first of the year... so what. (Just for clarification for anyone with less than half a brain: No, I did not literally grow, attain, or come into possession of gonads.) So, it may have come from an unfortunate circumstance that I began to think upon these things... but like I said, God used a horrible situation for great things. And did I mention his healing power? Anyway, here is what I've decided.
I'm running the Chicago Marathon on October 12th with my mom and Melissa.
I'm writing again.
I'm going to do AWESOME in school... maybe my grades will actually reflect my intelligence for once.
Oh, hey! Guess what? I passed all of my classes last semester. Look, I know that I shouldn't be so easily satisfied with my mediocre efforts, but I'm improving. I'm not going to stop here. In fact, this leads me to my next goal.
I'm going to get all A's and B's this semester.
I quit smoking (again)(yes, I started again).
I quit drinking (it was getting excessive).
I quit the repulsive, foolish pattern of involving myself in situations that will only bring me down. (I hope this one goes without saying, but then again, the nature of the problem would suggest that it's still a problem... so... hold me accountable. :))
Like anyone else, I want to be a better person. I want to be happy, satisfied, and a joy to be around. But I also want to help people... people like me, and people like you, whoever you may be. And I'm sorry if I've neglected to do that in the last month or so. Even further, I'm sorry if I haven't properly represented myself or my Savior the way I should have been. I shouldn't have been doing a lot of the things I was doing. I knew that all along, of course, but thus is the nature of sin and of human. Anyhow, I apologize.
In other, positive, topics, I'm going to NYC for Week of E, for anyone who didn't know that. I'm REALLY excited about this. We're setting up prayer stations throughout the city during the day, and serving in homeless shelters and soup kitchens at night. It will be awesome. Also, over my spring break, my parents and I might (hopefully - crossing my fingers!) be going to AZ for Cubs spring training.
So, here's the biggest thing on my mind, as of late (aside from my foolish follies and making '08 better than '07)... I want to intern at To Write Love On Her Arms. I want to work for them. I want to do what they do. I emailed them today to get some information on the possibility. Please please please pray for God's leading on this opportunity.
Well, I suppose I've exhausted myself of words for the moment. Thanks for reading :) I welcome and request your feedback! Hope your day is worthwhile... and if it's not, you have plenty of time to change that!
"They said stay at home, boy, you gotta tend the farm
Living in the city, boy, is going to break your heart
But how can you stay when your heart says no?
How can you stop when your feet say go?
They said get back honky cat
Better get back to the woods
Well I quit those days and my redneck ways
And oh the change is gonna do me good."