If not, that's okay.

Realizations about my approach to relationships.

1. I push guys away.

2. I am sorely disappointed when they don't push back.

3. I don't want someone who runs away. I know guys do the whole 'fight or flight' thing. FIGHT BACK. Don't run away. I dealt with this once in my life already, and it broke me. I won't do it again.

4. I need someone whom I don't want to push away.

5. I want someone who will push back in the event that I do [push away].

6. I've heard said before that sometimes when we put up walls, it isn't to keep people out, but to see who is willing to climb over those walls or push through them. I never really agreed with that statement - maybe because I see how silly it is to put up walls for that reason. But today I realized that although I find it silly, I also find myself doing it all the time with guys.

7. I do trust people in general.

8. I don't trust guys to follow through.

9. I'm compassionate, understanding, patient, passionate, caring, gentle, and tender-hearted... really I am. I know I don't show it all the time. I know I intimidate before I love. But I'm working on it... please be patient with me.

I don't know why these things are on my mind so heavily lately. I realized that I've been single for a year. I've been on dates, had so-called 'flings' - of which I'm not proud!, and had potentials. But nothing has worked out. My nature is to point fingers, accuse guys of being too much of one thing and too little of another, and blame them for failed relationship after failed relationship. The truth is, I'm always the one who closes the door on any potential relationship. Sometimes my reasons are justifiable and reasonable; other times, not so much. Many times I find myself in a situation with a guy that I never really liked to begin with. I've gotten caught up in the attention, the butterflies, the "oh I think he likes me, I should like him too" emotions. 

I honestly know that I'm not perfect, but for whatever reason, that doesn't stop me from acting as if I am. Initially, I tend to say - "He's a jerk. He did such and such. I don't need him." But after taking time to process and understand what happened, I start blaming myself. And then somewhere after that, I try to balance out the two extremes. Maybe that's what I'm doing right now.

It's been three weeks since I started this blog. And now I'm finally finishing it. All of it still applies, which means I must accept how true it really is. I'm working on it. If you're a guy reading this, I probably just scared you away. But that's okay... I don't want a runaway, flighty boy anyway. :)