I'm a big girl.

Hiding from problems, fear, stress, conflicts never helps. The problem, fear, stress, or conflict will grow until addressed. Facing these things is never easy. But the sooner you do it, the easier it is, and the sooner it's over. This is what I've learned in the last six months: I can do it.

A couple weeks ago someone told me he was impressed with how forward I was. At first, I didn't know if I should have been offended or not. Because passivity runs in my family. Being passive-aggressive is standard. I have my moments. My default is set to letting life happen to me, rather than causing life to happen. I have to work hard to be an active participant in my own life, instead of a quiet bystander, or a goalie whose only participation is when someone else forces them to be involved. 

In January, I told God over and over that I want to take risks, I want to be active, I want to be challenged. Such a statement was big for me, because taking risks meant the possibility of getting hurt. And I'd been running, hiding from risks and pain for a long time. One day, I decided - no more. I said, I want to take risks. And God was like, hello, here are 4. 

The months between January and May have been good. I started putting myself out there to risk getting hurt, and hurt I did. Rejection felt like my best friend... or my middle name. But I worked through the pain, I stared my demons straight in the face, and I overcame. I freaking overcame.

Last semester, God and I kept having this conversation.
God: Ever think about applying for RA?
Me: Absolutely not.
God: Why not?
Me: I can't.
God: Why not?
Me: I can't.
God: Apply for RA.
Me: No.

I'm an RA next year. :) 

It all boiled down to being afraid of rejection and failure. But I did it, and I overcame all obstacles. First, I missed the deadline for applying because of my grandpa's funeral. I talked to Caryn, she understood, she gave me a shot. Then I was ineligible because of "paperwork." I pursued the issue and fixed it. Got an interview. Rocked it. Waited forever. Got it.

A couple weeks ago, I got an email about a job. I interviewed this past Thursday. And I got it. I doubted myself, because they preferred someone with a Bachelor's degree. But... I got it. It's a job for the McHenry County Mental Health Department. I'll elaborate when I get details. I haven't gotten a start date yet. My grandpa asked if they hired me because they think I need help with my mental health.

I'm at home. I like being home. I feel comfortable and alive. Lincoln bores me. It makes me sleepy and lazy and apathetic and antisocial. Well, sometimes. I'm really excited for this summer.

I feel really boring right now, so I'm gonna stop writing for now. When I decide to be more interesting, I'll be back. 

Go Cubs. 22-15. We're back in first.

Oh, I'm also newly addicted to Grey's Anatomy. And I want my McDreamy. Or McSteamy, but I'd prefer McDreamy.

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