A couple weeks ago someone told me he was impressed with how forward I was. At first, I didn't know if I should have been offended or not. Because passivity runs in my family. Being passive-aggressive is standard. I have my moments. My default is set to letting life happen to me, rather than causing life to happen. I have to work hard to be an active participant in my own life, instead of a quiet bystander, or a goalie whose only participation is when someone else forces them to be involved.
In January, I told God over and over that I want to take risks, I want to be active, I want to be challenged. Such a statement was big for me, because taking risks meant the possibility of getting hurt. And I'd been running, hiding from risks and pain for a long time. One day, I decided - no more. I said, I want to take risks. And God was like, hello, here are 4.
The months between January and May have been good. I started putting myself out there to risk getting hurt, and hurt I did. Rejection felt like my best friend... or my middle name. But I worked through the pain, I stared my demons straight in the face, and I overcame. I freaking overcame.
Last semester, God and I kept having this conversation.
God: Ever think about applying for RA?
Me: Absolutely not.
God: Why not?
Me: I can't.
God: Why not?
Me: I can't.
God: Apply for RA.
I'm an RA next year. :)
It all boiled down to being afraid of rejection and failure. But I did it, and I overcame all obstacles. First, I missed the deadline for applying because of my grandpa's funeral. I talked to Caryn, she understood, she gave me a shot. Then I was ineligible because of "paperwork." I pursued the issue and fixed it. Got an interview. Rocked it. Waited forever. Got it.
A couple weeks ago, I got an email about a job. I interviewed this past Thursday. And I got it. I doubted myself, because they preferred someone with a Bachelor's degree. But... I got it. It's a job for the McHenry County Mental Health Department. I'll elaborate when I get details. I haven't gotten a start date yet. My grandpa asked if they hired me because they think I need help with my mental health.
I'm at home. I like being home. I feel comfortable and alive. Lincoln bores me. It makes me sleepy and lazy and apathetic and antisocial. Well, sometimes. I'm really excited for this summer.
I feel really boring right now, so I'm gonna stop writing for now. When I decide to be more interesting, I'll be back.
Go Cubs. 22-15. We're back in first.
Oh, I'm also newly addicted to Grey's Anatomy. And I want my McDreamy. Or McSteamy, but I'd prefer McDreamy.