I have been up since 5:15am, and I slept less than 4 hours, and today is a new day.
This is the first time I've blogged in 8 months, and today is a new day.
There's this new thing that's been happening to me in the last year or so. When I start to feel anxious, and inadequate, and incapable, and fearful, I start to feel constricted. I have too many layers on and the blanket is trapping me and I won't be okay until I'm down to my undies. I have a friend who has the same experience and she calls them fat flashes. Suddenly you feel too fat for any article of clothing. Anything is too much.
Writing my first post in 8 months has that effect on me.
But too much is happening to let a little anxiety (or a lot) keep me from writing. What's happening in my life and in my heart, it has to be shared.
Last night I stayed up reading. First it was for class, then it was for me.
We went to bed at 9:30. Jordan was asleep before his head hit the pillow. I spent two hours reading about organizational structure and management and teams and conflict resolution. Jordan woke up and told me I should go to sleep. I said okay and kept reading, determined to finish what was assigned this week for class. Just before midnight I finished the chapter, and without hesitation picked up Bread and Wine and read the author's note, intro, and first two chapters of Shauna Niequist's latest. Now it's 12:30am and my head and my heart and my soul... They are full. Recipes and ideas of gathering with friends and also building a team and managing and training a team, all of this swirls in my head. And then I think: I want to write.
So I did, and then it was 1:00am, and my brain would not shut off. The last time I saw on the clock was 1:34am and it's at that point I decided to start reading The Lives & Prayers of Catholic Saints. As predicted, it had me asleep in minutes, though I'm sure in better circumstances I might enjoy reading about Francis and Anthony and whoever else.
All these things and more have brought me to the place I find myself in this morning.
I recently won a giveaway on my friend Katie's blog, and one of my prizes is credit toward redesigning my blog. Another prize was a free media kit, from another blogger. She recently wrote this post about being real and sharing life instead of giveaways and link ups. It's also about inspiration and what to write about when you're uninspired.
I think she gave me permission to blog and not be driven by empty stats and giveaways. She didn't really say that but somehow I feel more free this morning to write what I want and what I feel and not feel insignificant because I'm not linking up or writing a guest post or facing an audience of 1000+.
My audience is around 125 and that's more people than I ever thought would want to hear what I have to say.
I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you stuck around while I figured some things out and I hope you'll come back. I have a feeling God is at work, and fat flashes or not, I will be here, ready to meet with Him and find out what He has in store.